Withen myself it is something I would want in a different light than which society may look at. I want children through adoption so badly. Right now I can wait but in the future when I can give what my mother has given me, I would love to be able to give what my mother has given me. One of my greatest fears has been to have children in the future and to be honest to have the relationship that I had with my mother in the past that we had and the fear of being that mother on the news that is in handcuffs saying "I just snapped." with the headlines being "Mother Chokes Child to Death." I also fear the simple things like what I would do when my child is sick, will I love one over the other if I have more than on kid? Some of these questions may sound ridiculous and to be honest they are but lets face it there are some crazy mothers out there that shouldn't have children and honestly you never really know if you will become that type of mother until a doctor or adoption agent hands you your first child, the first responsibility that you hopefully won't want ot hand off to someone else, your first true love aside from your significant other. For me I know my emotions can lead to some crazy things like me running from a hike, crying because my brother has left to college, screaming at the T.V. because the Chargers once again blew the playoffs, a dent in the wall because I had a fight with my parents, or even myself physically and emotionally hurting those in my life and myself. Just the other day I found myself talking to my mother in an impatiently abusive tone.
Recently, although I have had my fears of my emotions I realized that even if sometimes I do let them get the best of me I have also grown a whole lot to the sense where I can realize that after screaming at my mom or cracking my phone that I have to come down before actually getting to that point of no return (luckily my phone still works). This basically means I just have to give myself a little more time before I can say let's do it, let's find a child I can love. This will probably be when I have a steady income and a career I love along with not living with the Parents and calming down.
Now away from myself since I am not a mother just yet let's get to the real reason I am gonna celebrate mother's day. On April 11th 1987 my big brother was born and my mother became a mother. For 1 year and 10 months she spoiled him to the point of know return with a heavenly toy room, gifts from every person around and love from the be3st parents out there. About 1 year and 10 monthsl ater I stole the lime light for a little bit. From the looks of it Danny didn't mind and from the memories of playing hockey together, role playing with WWF (now WWE) characters, and breaking a few vases it actually seems like he enjoyed having me around. This just made my mother a more stressed out mother but still a great mother who couldn't even consider grounding us when a hockey puck or soccer ball flew at the new vases she just bought. 4 years and 10 months (give or take) later we were all shocked when for a third time she had to learn how to be a mother. Hear is what I have learned from my mom and from others: with each child you need to become a different mother. It's one of the reasons considering many children is just ridiculous to me. I would have to change myself for a few kids at a time; I don't know how people do it. My mother had no idea what she was in for just like every other mother. With Danny she got a class clown who got kicked out of spanish class and somehow got a teacher to pin him up to the wall (That's a story I will leave for father's day). I was the social outcast, physically abusive child who would never leave home and Adam was and is the kid who..... well he was actually a pretty easy kid except for the fact that he ended up being in a class with only girls because the other boy had to many issues to continue at the school. Adam was and is the baby of the family we all tried to take care of him and it made him the easy one although he may cause trouble now considering we will probably never know if something happens to him since his definition of keeping in contact with the family is calling someone after a month just to say hi and bye.
With all of that my mother spent the last 26 years learning how to be a mother and I am almost certain that until (as much as I don't want to think about it) the day when we have to take care of her (and again don't want to think about she will always be learning how to be a mother. What makes her a great mother isn't that she allowed us to party, got angry when we did something wrong or tried being there for all our school events. What makes her a great mother is that with every mistake and even every success she learned something new. Our relationship is the perfect example of this. I have written a few blogs talking about the relationship we have and after years of struggling and even today still having some small moments we are becoming friends as well as having a healthy mother daughter relationship. This past year has been a huge step forward to that and I couldn't be any happier about it.
Parents always say the greatest gift they can get is seeing their children happy. I finally understand that. I have been spoiled my entire life, I have been given everything I have asked for and the greatest gift I have recieved wasn't an education, the spice girls doll, a trip to Disneyland or a car. No none of that compares to the gift I recieved this year. I was able to view my mother be in her element, be in her home happy as can be. As a child coming to Israel with her I never really payed attention much to the fact so I never really saw the joy she had. This year, we went to coffee together at CafeNeto, Cafe Shaked, and other coffee shops where she loved being with her friends. While here in Israel together we went shopping at shuks, malls and at friends stores for numerous items to bring back home and to enjoy here, we went to Sataf and Abu Gosh and we took a couple trips together and it truly is the most amazing gift to be with my mother when she is her most happiest. Don't get me wrong she is also happy in the states with her family but this is a different joy that you don't see often. You may see this kind of joy in a child who has walked into the magical world of Disneyland for the first time, Maybe when someone has just been proposed to by their significant other, When a mother has her mother meets her child for the first time (whether in a hospital at home or at an agency) and in a few other places but it is a rare image, an artistic moment in life. It It's like watching the scene in the Lion King when Simba is introduced to the world, Seeing the view of Salt Lake City from the Rock living Room up in the mountains, seeing the ocean for the first time or like watching your favorite team (the Chargers) finally win the superbowl, nothing but beauty in the eyes of the beholder. That is why it has been the greatest gift I have recieved. Of course this means I gotta give something in return. Something in Return may not mean something materialistic although I do intend on coming home with a few things stashed in my luggage. I can promise I will stay happy, love you even when we are screaming at eachother, and always try to be a better daughter. Lastly when I get back I am making breakfast. I don't know what exactly but I do know it will involve eggs.
Speaking of something in return, mothers day is truly about celebrating all mothers. this year living with my aunt and uncle, my aunt has been more like a mother to me. No joke, she even treats me like her child by having me do laundry, dishes, running a few errands and also by giving me a sort of allowance, making sure I don't get to sick and in many other ways. Don't get me wrong I am one who has been lucky enough to have so many mother figures in my life and I wish them all a happy Mother's day, but my aunt had a friend help me get my prescription, taken me to try to get my Visa straightened out and has cooked many meals for me as I stay in what was known as Itay's room (my cousin), then my ICNIC's room, and now my room for the time being. So I wish her a VERY VERY HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!! And thank her with all my heart.
In four more days we all should be doing something special for the mothers' in our lives. Whether that be by cooking a meal, taking them shopping, bring them a gift, sending them on vacation or in any unique way make sure you let the mothers in your life know they were great mothers. I guess this blog is my way of doing that.
Happy Mother's Day to my mother figures out there especially Doda Eti (my aunt) and Happy Mother's day to my partner in crime this year, My ICNIC! I love you oh so very much.