Wednesday, February 27, 2013

What is in a name?

I am really paying attention to who I am and what I want in life and it has brought a lot of change and a lot of new imaginative images into my mind and seen through my actions. The past few weeks I have thought of three factors that have shaped me and may shape me in the future.

Factor #1: The chances of me getting a tattoo are slim to NONE!!! To be honest I have always known this. The Jewish religion states if I am to get a tattoo I will be unable to be burried in a Jewish cemetery. This may be a law many disagree on but I believe in it. Your body is a temple and should be kept as pure as possible so that your soul can arrive to the gates where you may or may not meet Hashem. I am not the type of person to look at others with tattoos in jealousy, disgust, disrecpect or anything like that. In fact a good tattoo can be a turn on for me. The reason this has been in my head is because I think about the necklaces and rings I have had and have at the moment and realize I kind of want something permanent but I don't know what. This lead to thinking about tattoos and what I would get. I had decided on getting Stitch tattooed onto my wrist with him holding the world which led me to think I need bigger space than the rist and as I was sitting with my moms friends I saw one of her friends has this awesome eagle tattoe on her back. FYI if you met this woman you would understand why a woman over the age of 60 still looks good with a tattoe on her back. So I thought of getting the tattoe on my back. Again I wouldn't really think about getting a tattoe considering I hate needles, I hate pain and I really really really want to be burried with my family. I just think about the thought of a permenant expression of who I am.

Factor # 2: I really really really really really really (*100 obnoxiously) want to be more intuned with my religion. People question what it is to be more religion and the truth is that this is a factor that is defined only by the one who chooses to define their own religion. For me I don't know what exactly it means but it starts with being here in Israel and finding myself. I already know when I get back I am doing some serious synagogue searching. FInding a synagogue in San Diego where I actually feel like myself. I haven't wanted to since leaving Utah at all. In Utah I had just about the perfect synagogue in the palm of my hands with a group of people that I grew to love to spend time with every Friday and on Holidays. Coming back to San Diego I just knew I wasn't going to be able to find that but now, now I think even if I just get close it will be enough for me to just start delving into learning more and being a part of a community. I also know that being closer to my religion means experiencing and learning about ecery aspect of the Jewish relgion. There is so much I don't know about and after my trip to the graves of the Rabbis and to Saruks mother who is respected as a spiritual woman in her town and after being with people who see themselves as socially, culturally and ethnically Jewish I have learned that religion isn't always about going to Shul every Friday or having to cleanse yourself before a wedding (a womans tradition of bathing in the mikvah (holy bath). Being Jewish or being of any faith for that matter means defining yourself in that category. FYI Athiests and Agnostics are included as well. Just cause they say they don't have a religion doesn't mean they don't. They define themselves as Agnostic or Athiest meaning they believe in something there for they have a religious belief. For me I know to define myself I need to find my balance between the extremists on each side of the spectrum. I am Jew what kind of Jew is the question I am asking myself.

Factor # 3 is my name. Over twenty four years ago for some unknown reason my mother decided to name me Nicole Sharon Recht. Ever since I was a little child I have been proud of being Nicole Recht. Nicole is who I am Recht is where I am from and will always be a part of me so yes I take pride in that. as for the Sharon all I can say is I have always questioned it for many reasons. For one thing it just doesn't sound right. Another issue I have is that both my brothers have middle names after family members. My older brother Danny Max for instance should be proud to be named after his grandfather Max. My grandfather was a hard working man who appreciated lifes some gifts, who was a great father from what I here about him and who left an impression on many. My little brother Adam Lee is named after his Grandmother Leah. My grandmother was apparently like myself, stubborn as can be. She was also stricked, caring and mysterious in her own right. As for me I am named after..... No one? At a young age I never liked my middle name but I never thought anything of it until my mom started talking about her Aunt Sarah. Now for some odd reason I took to the name. she would mention her walking all the time being an aunt she loved and would tell some stories. The more she would talk and the more I learned about her I realized that I like Nicole Sarah a whole lot more then Nicole Sharon. I have seen myself as Nicole Sarah for years now and recently I thought of legally making it official. I have done my research on the name and aside from the obvious reason of changing my name to pay tribute to my great aunt who sounds amazing I also would love to pay tribute to the biblical Sarah who sacrificed her happiness for her husband by letting him marry another woman to bare a child. She gave this woman a home as a servant yet treated her as though she was a queen and then after struggling for years she had a child of her own Izhak who becomes the father of Judaism. To top everything off after struggling with health and after changing my life I would love to believe that it is time to define myself the way I would like to be defined. I would love to be Nicole Sarah daughter of Shoshi who takes pride in her religion and family and who fights to be a strong giving person. So I have come to the conclusion that I am going to make it legal when I get back to the states and change my name on my birth certificate. It will be interesting to do so especially after coming back from Israel.

anyways tomorrow I am arriving in Eilat to start a new journey on a hike of a lifetime with a group of people I hope will be great company and I am sure they will be.

Till Next Time!

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