This blog is something I have been trying to comprehend since Sophomore year of high school when I came back to the states.
Imagine coming back from a very simple yet tough life where people learn hard, work hard, and in return get political conflict, exhaustion, warfare in some areas, and a minimal amount of income. Imagine being in that world and not worrying about it to much, enjoying what you have, loving that you are a part of a country like no other country, you are friends with just about everyone around you and although dealing with people on a business level sucks all you have to do for help is ask the person next to you (heck sometimes you don't even have to ask).
Lastly Imagine leaving all of that, going back to a world where everyone is living in a bubble, you lived in that tiny bubble yourself so don't judge to much, and imagine them not knowing what it's like to worry about the important things or not knowing how to truly be someone who if I were sitting next to you on a bus and just said hello they would acknowledge that.
I came back to a world of worrying about which car will be the first car, "what does she think about me?" "Mrs. Edid is being such a hard a**," "My mom won't buy me the dress I want." and so on. Again I don't judge and honestly I am that person as well.
The other type of person I see is the person who leaves Israel for the bigger life in the states. They either embrace this crazy lifestyle of needing to have bigger and better materialist items and showing off or they realize it really wasn't worth it to begin with.
Watching all of this puts my thoughts and actions into perspective. Everything to me now is something I truly think about. This happened when I came back to San Diego sophomore year in fact for my 17th birthday it was about a car. growing up in a community where the lexus and range rovers are given to children as though they are candy I knew my father would look for any car I wanted and before Israel I totally wanted the hotest car out there. In fact I idealized my cousin who talked about a mustang, red with black top with the works so I totally wanted to go that route. I got back and realized why would I want a mustang when I should think about safety and other important factors in a car. I still in my spoiled sense got exactly what I wanted. A beautiful Nissan Altima that has driven me to the end of the universe and back while I torture the poor baby. The difference between my spoiledness through the mustang is that I wanted what everyone else expected me to want as a spoiled child when I wanted a hot brand new mustang rather than a safe, beach friendly, spacious car with one heck of a trunk that has fit my entire life at a point.
Speaking of the point, I should get to mine. Coming back many years ago I had no one who understood. Not one person who was able to explain what was going on in my mind. I have found Israeli's who finally realized why they loved Israel which was close and friends who even though they didn't understand they tried to understand, and friends that never needed to get it. For some reason it was always hard for me to sit there with no one truly there to get it.
After some time I just closed off until recently. For some odd reason I decided to open up a little more. It's a slow process but the more I do so the more I become open to people the more I find that there are those who do understand. I have had conversations with people who have moved from the states to Israel and experience the same thing I have. I have seen them return to the states and experience those emotions and I have met with people who have moved to the states after growing up in Israel and understanding it as well as moving back to Israel because they miss the simplicity of living this simple life here.
I have found that each person like myself can't really pinpoint what it is about the lifestyle here that makes you change everything you see. Your whole perspective of all the little things change, you start looking at others differently, and you change what you feel is needed in life. What I have noticed and you can correct me if I am wrong, there is something although you become proud of the change there is just something that urks you. You look at others in judgement, you look at the material items with appreciation yet with regrets for having them, and most importantly you can't understand why in the first place you were like that to begin with.
At the age of sixteen, when I was a crazy teen not understanding my emotions or thoughts this is what I went through with no one there to explain it all. For a year and a half I tried to understand how I could be so spoiled and so protected without appreciating any of it, how I could want it all with no purpose for it and why I chose to live as that type of person. To add to it all I began almost hating everyone I saw stuck in that little bubble. I couldn't understand my hatred, I am not one who enjoys hatred but for some reason I would look at the rich snobby kid next to me with disbelief and disgust. The more I talk to others the more I realize what was going on in my mind. Most of the people I have talked to are adults, more mature than the sixteen year old girl I was so they have more of an understanding of it all. This has put everything into the beaming light that has just turned on in my tiny brain.
It's not hatred, it's not confusion really, and it sure isn't terrible to think the things I did. I just needed to put the thoughts all together to realize a few things. What I realized was this:
- I was spoiled because my parents love me and there is nothing wrong with that.
- I didn't appreciate it because I was a child.
- I saw others and judged them because I was judging myself.
- I don't need to figure out where to go from here, I need to figure out how to take my lessons and use them NOW.
- I don't need to no where to go from here but how to use my lessons in the here and now.
- It was never about anyone else, It was about me, myself and I and learning who that is.
- Lastly, everyone goes through their own lessons, whether or not that makes them a better person is their choice. For me, I hope it all makes me a better person, I hope it makes me a person who appreciates everything I gain, I hope I become more open once again and most importantly I hope to continue to learn more from others that have something to tell me.
|Lenna F. Cooper|
Till Next Time