Thursday, July 19, 2012

My Addiction, My Control, and the inability to stop.

I am actually working on this really cool post about diet pyramids but I want to do some research before I post it up. For now I am going to leave you with something that is KILLING ME!!! 
On a weekly, daily, hourly, minutely (if that is a real word) I can't stop thinking about food. I know there are some out there who are just like me and I am almost certain I have written about it. the problem for me is that I think it has gotten worse even with trying to keep myself busy and again I am sure there are those out there who are thinking just the same thing. To put in into perspective let me just give you an example of my train of thought after eating a delicious lunch recently:
 "That was delicious! I forgot what else I have cooked up for myself. Oh wait, I have the chicken with eggplant waiting for me. YUM, that is going to be so delicious. I kind of want to eat it write now. I should be paying attention to my book I have discussions do and I have to go visit gyms. I wonder how many calories I have eaten today and if I can add some more? I feel like a banana tonight. I don't know why but a banana just sounds so delicious and we have bananas that are perfectly over ripened but I do have the chicken as well. I really need to pay more attention to this book about what type of salespeople there are. I didn't know that there are so many different types of salespeople. I wonder if a girl scout can be considered an on the field salesperson. MMMM girl scout cookies, I haven't had a girl scout cookie in years. I miss those penut butter ones. What was that one called?... Tagalongs! those were so yummy or the Samoas with the chocolate drizzle, YUM!!!! I wonder if I will ever let myself have a Tagalong again? Maybe the shabbat. NO! that will just destroy everything and my health has been great lately, SO NO!!! Back to the book... To Outsource or Not to Outsource? Well as I read if I were a low cost store I would outsource, It lowers costs but if I were going to the higher end of things I wouldn't I would want to give 100% from myself and my company. I wonder if I can create a business teaching people how to add chocolate into their diets and other things they miss. MMM chocolate. Maybe I will make a chocolate shake like this morning. YUM chocolate. I gotta get out of here before I go to the See's Candy store and buy something I will regret!" HOLY SHIZ I HAVE A PROBLEM!! At least I wasn't thinking about pasta today. Honestly, that is not even the worst of it. You should here my mind while on Space Mountain sometimes, It's ridiculous to know that I would be okay with replacing calories that I would throw up if it came to that situation, right away for that matter.
 Anyways, I have been trying to study which somehow I have gotten to the end of the reading with thinking about all of that and I still have more to do but can't help but think about walking to the kitchen. Did you know I was going to go to a few gyms today to do more research? Instead, I am online right now doing my research because I am looking forward to my stomach grumbling so I can run to the fridge and grab some grub. I am also supposed to be writing that blog I mentioned but every time I write down a sentence I think of how the Paleo diet allows a person to eat a lot of meat and according to their diet I should add more meat, which means I should add more calories into my diet. I have also thought of literal pyramids (which is what I need to do more research on) and the diet of Egyptians and how they loved fish. I wonder if the Mediterranean diet truly derives from Egypt and not Greece? (just thought of that). 
What has been great the past year is that I have been able to hone in on that addiction and use my passion for cooking and learning to go into the world of nutrition which has curbed a lot of thoughts. I shouldn't say curbed because it's still there but it has more become a way for me to stop before I get to the fridge and either go to the computer to do some research, write a blog like this one, go into the kitchen and instead of eat cook for myself and for my family, go back to school, and it also forces me to teach myself healthy habits like mindfully eating. 
Recently the control has gotten ridiculous to the point where if I say light on oil and they give me light on oil I still dab my chicken. Or if someone says it's unsweetened I still have this mental image of that waiter/waitress down pouring loads of sweetened flavored syrup into my drink and even at home when I am cooking for my family I refuse to even test out the flavor with just a pinch of food and it could even just be a taste of a roasted veggie. To top it off it really hasn't curbed my need to think about food at all. As I am writing this post I am thinking of jumping up and going for whatever is in the fridge (thank G-d there really isn't anything special). 
So What do I do when this occurs that helps? I let it be. I have learned many different ways to help by just letting it be. Take Access Consciousness for instance which is a great tool. All I have to do is ask myself what is the purpose of me holding on to this addiction? I don't answer but within a little bit my anxiety towards my addiction is alleviated because for some reason in my head I have this belief that there truly is a purpose for this addiction. the next thing I do is reminding myself of my discipline. I can stand at an attention position for over two hours in heat in a heavy uniform because of my discipline, I can run a 5k because of my discipline, not cry when getting my eyebrows waxed, and I can lose over 140 pounds in less than 9 months. Why would I cave into my thoughts when I have so much discipline in all other aspects of life? Then I go back to the first step. This usually works, but as the title says there is an inability to stop. My tricks work but sometimes I have to add a trick or two and sometimes I have to constantly go to step 1 on a regular basis. again it is okay to have an addiction and it's okay to relapse from time to time but it sure is NOT OK to hate yourself for it, to stay in relapse mode for the rest of your life and to completely cave into hating yourself because if it. An addiction isn't a disease, it's not something you can take pills for and make better. A disease is a part of you. I am reading this interesting book which I will tell you about in time. I have taken a lot from it and because of it have come to the conclusion that disease is not an addiction it is a part of your soul. This is why it is unstoppable. Your addiction is a part of who you are it helps you grow whether you grow to be an addict on the streets looking for a score, an addict in bed because you weigh 700 lbs and can't stand or if your addiction has brought you to become a motivational speaker, a writer or a teacher. 
So, as I calm myself down, as I remind myself that there is no problems being to excited for the chicken eggplant dish I have waiting for me, I say to you don't be ashamed of anything because honestly I am trying to do the same. Your addiction is a part of what defines you and most of you who read my blog I know are some fantastic people. 
I look forward to my next blog but for now I am going to get back to being busy and trying to get some homework done while thinking about deliciousness. 

Till Next Time

1 comment:

  1. Wow Coly! haha. love that name!:) I really appreciate your transparency in writing this. It's very brave and I think so helpful for you and other who read and have similar struggles. The good thing is that you recognize what triggers you and you're "actively" working to fight them off. I'm so proud of you! It is hard. The silver lining in your struggle, or "addiction," is that you're learning so much. You're not sitting back and letting it control you and ruin your life. You are becoming better, stronger, layered, perceptive, and so much more than you were before. You are amazing lady!!! And I might add...I miss you!!! I miss your smile and positive attitude in my classes!! Anyway, I hope you'll follow my new blog. I would really appreciate your feedback k? I want to know if it's helpful at all. Talk soon! luv ya!