Saturday, July 7, 2012

How I Have Changed

This past month I have felt like I have taken two giant steps back with everything. I honestly have felt like I left Israel for good and I know that isn't true at all. I know I am going to be back fairly soon. I feel like with how open I have become I haven't done what I can do, and I feel like I went back to being stuck in this state of mind of feeling alone and not wanting to be a part of anyone else's life or even mine. I think that is why I haven't been writing my blog so quickly.
The story in Israel isn't going to be shared any time soon and to be honest it isn't that epic of a story to tell. I was 15, stupid, ashamed and scared and I ran away that is that. I came back and felt as though I threw everything away when I decided to come back and I feel like that now. The truth is that, that is not the case at all. I have grown so much over the past couple years that I know my mind is just playing tricks on me.
It's times like these where the best thing to do is to look at what has changed for the positive. What is the good in all of this? That is what I did this morning. What is the good? Well.... The good is that I have grown more than I believe I have. Take the fact that I am actually applying to school actually making it a priority and something I want to do. When I applied to Sonoma State University and seven other colleges I dreaded every moment of it. I hated the fact that I was writing essays about my life story for people I didn't care for just so they can send me a letter saying "congratulation's on being accepted to..." I got into six out of the eight colleges. I chose the one that looked semi-decent and one I thought I would like, which was Sonoma and went to visit. It was actually really nice. The dorms compared to probably every other four year college were fantastic, the food mediocre except for those amazing baked potatoes you can get with whatever you wanted or those magical pancakes made fresh to order in the cafeteria. It's a small school an hour away from San Francisco, which was nice because I really don't like being smack down in the middle of a city unless I am going out for some fun and to top it off the Academics weren't to shabby either. In my head I said "I really don't care about any other college so, why not?" I went in as a history major and spent two and a half years trying to survive the place. Luckily, I always had some fantabulous roommates and friends. My roommate Jessi who still impresses me. Only she can get pissed drunk the day before the first day of college and still wake up bright and early and kick as at actually attending classes that morning. To be honest that is a lot considering another roommate of mine that morning missed all her classes and didn't even drink that night. Then there was Taylor, John James, Brendan, and a couple other roomies that I began with. Honestly we were the SO7 crew and still are. as the first year went by we added Ashley and Sam to the mix and had a lot of friends outside our crazy ridiculous dorm. the next year I was in an apartment with Jessi and Taylor along with Amber. nights filled with beer pong and video games kept me going that year. The next year (which ended up being less than that) I moved in with Jessica a friend who needed a new roommate in her amazing apartment. I honestly jumped at the thought. We were pretty good friends and plus I knew we would spend way to much time playing video games. That year lasted a while because of her and all my other friends. It kind of fizzled when I realized I was about to fail out of my favorite class, World History. I was going to fail because 45% of the grade was the mid-term 45% for the final and the rest was participation. Test anxiety led to an F in my mid-term so I had no chance. Yes, I did go to the professor and try to work something out but he is as stubborn as I am. Finally I had a way out of school and I took it by withdrawing out of it. I stayed in Sonoma for a bit as I started to try to lose some weight because my way meant the military and military meant being semi fit. It didn't help that my grandfather passed away that same year so I came back to San Diego a couple months after when I realized the weight wasn't coming off. So needless to say college not by choice equaled an epic fail. Don't get me wrong the life outside of the academics was great and I did love it but considering I need the academics it was time to toss that metaphorical white towel into no mans land.
Today I look at how I am looking at colleges and thinking about how I am actually excited for it. A little scared and hesitant but excited. I am looking at a few and believe it or not one is actually in New York. Luckily it's in Buffalo so I am no where near the actual city and really close to Canada, so if any friends from Canada live close by let me know (it gives me an excuse to visit Canada). There is also one in Framingham, that's close to where Adam is going to school and no that is not why I am considering the college (although it is a plus). there are other random ones that I am looking at so hopefully it will work out. This is a huge difference than when I first applied to Sonoma. For starters I am doing this on my own, second I am actually wanting to do this and lastly I am trying extremely hard to get over my emotions and fight through the stubborn laziness that I have to actually research everything. I would have never done that years ago.
Now I have been back to Israel and I know I have changed considering that I would have never paid any attention to my stomach getting sick from eating a boat load of Deliciously fattening Shawarma, I would have never gone out with friends and family and actually acted like I enjoyed it and I would have never gone on my own to a coffee shop just to meet people. but today that is what I do and in Israel that is what I did. To top it off going through the years I feared going back and I refused to but now I know I am going back again fairly soon. Hopefully this time with more time there. Two weeks was not enough at all.
As for being stuck, I look at it as an innocent person in jail before his trial. I know that is a terrible example but here is why. I am stuck like that person in a jail cell of some kind but working to get out of it. with all the hard work, the paper work, the meetings with important people that I may have, the evidence and facts that I and others may collect about schools and so forth I am going to stand a trial of faith soon when I decide which school to go to and then I will be free of my mind. For now I am stuck, it isn't a bad stuck. I understand that it isn't ideal and like the person in that jail cell I sure don't want to be here but I know in time I will get out. Thank You maturity for letting me see this.
By the way I did this while making some yummy deviled eggs this morning. It was so awesome! Some finely chopped roasted garlic, dill, mustard,  (the odd addition) some water from a jar of hearts of palm (trust me on that), with the yolk and mix. MMMM GOOD!!!
FYI it feels so good to just WRITE!! no additives to it, no videos, just writing feels great.

Till Next Time,
Nicoly!




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