Thursday, July 19, 2012

My Addiction, My Control, and the inability to stop.

I am actually working on this really cool post about diet pyramids but I want to do some research before I post it up. For now I am going to leave you with something that is KILLING ME!!! 
On a weekly, daily, hourly, minutely (if that is a real word) I can't stop thinking about food. I know there are some out there who are just like me and I am almost certain I have written about it. the problem for me is that I think it has gotten worse even with trying to keep myself busy and again I am sure there are those out there who are thinking just the same thing. To put in into perspective let me just give you an example of my train of thought after eating a delicious lunch recently:
 "That was delicious! I forgot what else I have cooked up for myself. Oh wait, I have the chicken with eggplant waiting for me. YUM, that is going to be so delicious. I kind of want to eat it write now. I should be paying attention to my book I have discussions do and I have to go visit gyms. I wonder how many calories I have eaten today and if I can add some more? I feel like a banana tonight. I don't know why but a banana just sounds so delicious and we have bananas that are perfectly over ripened but I do have the chicken as well. I really need to pay more attention to this book about what type of salespeople there are. I didn't know that there are so many different types of salespeople. I wonder if a girl scout can be considered an on the field salesperson. MMMM girl scout cookies, I haven't had a girl scout cookie in years. I miss those penut butter ones. What was that one called?... Tagalongs! those were so yummy or the Samoas with the chocolate drizzle, YUM!!!! I wonder if I will ever let myself have a Tagalong again? Maybe the shabbat. NO! that will just destroy everything and my health has been great lately, SO NO!!! Back to the book... To Outsource or Not to Outsource? Well as I read if I were a low cost store I would outsource, It lowers costs but if I were going to the higher end of things I wouldn't I would want to give 100% from myself and my company. I wonder if I can create a business teaching people how to add chocolate into their diets and other things they miss. MMM chocolate. Maybe I will make a chocolate shake like this morning. YUM chocolate. I gotta get out of here before I go to the See's Candy store and buy something I will regret!" HOLY SHIZ I HAVE A PROBLEM!! At least I wasn't thinking about pasta today. Honestly, that is not even the worst of it. You should here my mind while on Space Mountain sometimes, It's ridiculous to know that I would be okay with replacing calories that I would throw up if it came to that situation, right away for that matter.
 Anyways, I have been trying to study which somehow I have gotten to the end of the reading with thinking about all of that and I still have more to do but can't help but think about walking to the kitchen. Did you know I was going to go to a few gyms today to do more research? Instead, I am online right now doing my research because I am looking forward to my stomach grumbling so I can run to the fridge and grab some grub. I am also supposed to be writing that blog I mentioned but every time I write down a sentence I think of how the Paleo diet allows a person to eat a lot of meat and according to their diet I should add more meat, which means I should add more calories into my diet. I have also thought of literal pyramids (which is what I need to do more research on) and the diet of Egyptians and how they loved fish. I wonder if the Mediterranean diet truly derives from Egypt and not Greece? (just thought of that). 
What has been great the past year is that I have been able to hone in on that addiction and use my passion for cooking and learning to go into the world of nutrition which has curbed a lot of thoughts. I shouldn't say curbed because it's still there but it has more become a way for me to stop before I get to the fridge and either go to the computer to do some research, write a blog like this one, go into the kitchen and instead of eat cook for myself and for my family, go back to school, and it also forces me to teach myself healthy habits like mindfully eating. 
Recently the control has gotten ridiculous to the point where if I say light on oil and they give me light on oil I still dab my chicken. Or if someone says it's unsweetened I still have this mental image of that waiter/waitress down pouring loads of sweetened flavored syrup into my drink and even at home when I am cooking for my family I refuse to even test out the flavor with just a pinch of food and it could even just be a taste of a roasted veggie. To top it off it really hasn't curbed my need to think about food at all. As I am writing this post I am thinking of jumping up and going for whatever is in the fridge (thank G-d there really isn't anything special). 
So What do I do when this occurs that helps? I let it be. I have learned many different ways to help by just letting it be. Take Access Consciousness for instance which is a great tool. All I have to do is ask myself what is the purpose of me holding on to this addiction? I don't answer but within a little bit my anxiety towards my addiction is alleviated because for some reason in my head I have this belief that there truly is a purpose for this addiction. the next thing I do is reminding myself of my discipline. I can stand at an attention position for over two hours in heat in a heavy uniform because of my discipline, I can run a 5k because of my discipline, not cry when getting my eyebrows waxed, and I can lose over 140 pounds in less than 9 months. Why would I cave into my thoughts when I have so much discipline in all other aspects of life? Then I go back to the first step. This usually works, but as the title says there is an inability to stop. My tricks work but sometimes I have to add a trick or two and sometimes I have to constantly go to step 1 on a regular basis. again it is okay to have an addiction and it's okay to relapse from time to time but it sure is NOT OK to hate yourself for it, to stay in relapse mode for the rest of your life and to completely cave into hating yourself because if it. An addiction isn't a disease, it's not something you can take pills for and make better. A disease is a part of you. I am reading this interesting book which I will tell you about in time. I have taken a lot from it and because of it have come to the conclusion that disease is not an addiction it is a part of your soul. This is why it is unstoppable. Your addiction is a part of who you are it helps you grow whether you grow to be an addict on the streets looking for a score, an addict in bed because you weigh 700 lbs and can't stand or if your addiction has brought you to become a motivational speaker, a writer or a teacher. 
So, as I calm myself down, as I remind myself that there is no problems being to excited for the chicken eggplant dish I have waiting for me, I say to you don't be ashamed of anything because honestly I am trying to do the same. Your addiction is a part of what defines you and most of you who read my blog I know are some fantastic people. 
I look forward to my next blog but for now I am going to get back to being busy and trying to get some homework done while thinking about deliciousness. 

Till Next Time
Nicoly!

Saturday, July 7, 2012

How I Have Changed

This past month I have felt like I have taken two giant steps back with everything. I honestly have felt like I left Israel for good and I know that isn't true at all. I know I am going to be back fairly soon. I feel like with how open I have become I haven't done what I can do, and I feel like I went back to being stuck in this state of mind of feeling alone and not wanting to be a part of anyone else's life or even mine. I think that is why I haven't been writing my blog so quickly.
The story in Israel isn't going to be shared any time soon and to be honest it isn't that epic of a story to tell. I was 15, stupid, ashamed and scared and I ran away that is that. I came back and felt as though I threw everything away when I decided to come back and I feel like that now. The truth is that, that is not the case at all. I have grown so much over the past couple years that I know my mind is just playing tricks on me.
It's times like these where the best thing to do is to look at what has changed for the positive. What is the good in all of this? That is what I did this morning. What is the good? Well.... The good is that I have grown more than I believe I have. Take the fact that I am actually applying to school actually making it a priority and something I want to do. When I applied to Sonoma State University and seven other colleges I dreaded every moment of it. I hated the fact that I was writing essays about my life story for people I didn't care for just so they can send me a letter saying "congratulation's on being accepted to..." I got into six out of the eight colleges. I chose the one that looked semi-decent and one I thought I would like, which was Sonoma and went to visit. It was actually really nice. The dorms compared to probably every other four year college were fantastic, the food mediocre except for those amazing baked potatoes you can get with whatever you wanted or those magical pancakes made fresh to order in the cafeteria. It's a small school an hour away from San Francisco, which was nice because I really don't like being smack down in the middle of a city unless I am going out for some fun and to top it off the Academics weren't to shabby either. In my head I said "I really don't care about any other college so, why not?" I went in as a history major and spent two and a half years trying to survive the place. Luckily, I always had some fantabulous roommates and friends. My roommate Jessi who still impresses me. Only she can get pissed drunk the day before the first day of college and still wake up bright and early and kick as at actually attending classes that morning. To be honest that is a lot considering another roommate of mine that morning missed all her classes and didn't even drink that night. Then there was Taylor, John James, Brendan, and a couple other roomies that I began with. Honestly we were the SO7 crew and still are. as the first year went by we added Ashley and Sam to the mix and had a lot of friends outside our crazy ridiculous dorm. the next year I was in an apartment with Jessi and Taylor along with Amber. nights filled with beer pong and video games kept me going that year. The next year (which ended up being less than that) I moved in with Jessica a friend who needed a new roommate in her amazing apartment. I honestly jumped at the thought. We were pretty good friends and plus I knew we would spend way to much time playing video games. That year lasted a while because of her and all my other friends. It kind of fizzled when I realized I was about to fail out of my favorite class, World History. I was going to fail because 45% of the grade was the mid-term 45% for the final and the rest was participation. Test anxiety led to an F in my mid-term so I had no chance. Yes, I did go to the professor and try to work something out but he is as stubborn as I am. Finally I had a way out of school and I took it by withdrawing out of it. I stayed in Sonoma for a bit as I started to try to lose some weight because my way meant the military and military meant being semi fit. It didn't help that my grandfather passed away that same year so I came back to San Diego a couple months after when I realized the weight wasn't coming off. So needless to say college not by choice equaled an epic fail. Don't get me wrong the life outside of the academics was great and I did love it but considering I need the academics it was time to toss that metaphorical white towel into no mans land.
Today I look at how I am looking at colleges and thinking about how I am actually excited for it. A little scared and hesitant but excited. I am looking at a few and believe it or not one is actually in New York. Luckily it's in Buffalo so I am no where near the actual city and really close to Canada, so if any friends from Canada live close by let me know (it gives me an excuse to visit Canada). There is also one in Framingham, that's close to where Adam is going to school and no that is not why I am considering the college (although it is a plus). there are other random ones that I am looking at so hopefully it will work out. This is a huge difference than when I first applied to Sonoma. For starters I am doing this on my own, second I am actually wanting to do this and lastly I am trying extremely hard to get over my emotions and fight through the stubborn laziness that I have to actually research everything. I would have never done that years ago.
Now I have been back to Israel and I know I have changed considering that I would have never paid any attention to my stomach getting sick from eating a boat load of Deliciously fattening Shawarma, I would have never gone out with friends and family and actually acted like I enjoyed it and I would have never gone on my own to a coffee shop just to meet people. but today that is what I do and in Israel that is what I did. To top it off going through the years I feared going back and I refused to but now I know I am going back again fairly soon. Hopefully this time with more time there. Two weeks was not enough at all.
As for being stuck, I look at it as an innocent person in jail before his trial. I know that is a terrible example but here is why. I am stuck like that person in a jail cell of some kind but working to get out of it. with all the hard work, the paper work, the meetings with important people that I may have, the evidence and facts that I and others may collect about schools and so forth I am going to stand a trial of faith soon when I decide which school to go to and then I will be free of my mind. For now I am stuck, it isn't a bad stuck. I understand that it isn't ideal and like the person in that jail cell I sure don't want to be here but I know in time I will get out. Thank You maturity for letting me see this.
By the way I did this while making some yummy deviled eggs this morning. It was so awesome! Some finely chopped roasted garlic, dill, mustard,  (the odd addition) some water from a jar of hearts of palm (trust me on that), with the yolk and mix. MMMM GOOD!!!
FYI it feels so good to just WRITE!! no additives to it, no videos, just writing feels great.

Till Next Time,
Nicoly!