Tuesday, September 6, 2011

going to the dr.

First let me tell you about yesterday cause I forgot to do that. nothing really special occurred during the day. I did homework and went to my grandma's place for labor day which was nice. I loved I do love spending time with my family. Today was kind of busy to some degree. did some homework, went to get my car fixed up :) I love getting fixed here. there is this place that I go to all the time and they treat my car so well. I went to the day spa to make an appointment for some stuff, then to downtown with my daddy for something he had to do and then to DR. Braverman who honestly made more sense than every other doctor I have been to. some stuff was a little much honestly I don't think I can take that many meds all at once and still debating on if I will but we shall see maybe I will do one step at a time. FYI the way it was explained to me was that my insides are still what they were when I weighed over 260 pounds which can cause a whole lot of pain, kind of like the little boy's heart in the move John Q but with my intestines. it was rather entertaining to watch him work. it was like watching a painter think about the next stroke he is going to paint. Every little thing I told him and every little thing he noticed was like a stroke, creating this painting that eventually becomes more than just strokes on a canvas. it becomes a hand made picture. I guess that is just how I feel since he is someone I know. he also mentioned that it could be like that indefinitely which kind of sucks and answers a lot of questions I have been having and now I just want to say screw that. I should explain a little more. FYI while I am explaining myself please feel free to disagree with me and give me another option ( I have been wanting that).... I was thinking about what to do cause being in Utah is where I want to be but it is nice to have my family around when I feel like crap. of course I have been thinking about coming back to SD, but only because I have a few family members calling me and begging me to do so. Honestly I have thought about in extremely painful moments but I never actually wanted to. After leaving Salt Lake Area, away from all the smog I realized I could breath. Which brought the thought back into my mind. I got to San Diego and felt like I could breath but still had quite a bit of pain. Now I am doing loads better, I can breath still and I am starting to be able to eat like normal with out the feeling of being suffocated by food. This isn't because of medication because I haven't taken medication in weeks and it's not a mental thing because to be honest I am so much more happier in Utah. Today though when I left Dr. Braverman all that was in my head was ok we have an answer I want to go back home to Utah, and then I got home and thought to myself if I were at home (in Utah) I wouldn't be weirder out by the new housekeeper because I don't have a housekeeper (although it would be nice to have someone who enjoys doing laundry), I wouldn't feel weird in my own bed and I wouldn't feel uncomfortable about going to some coffee shop to do homework. To top it all off I went to watch the Baseball game, Padres vs. Giants up top of my brothers apt. all I could think about was the bees game and how it would be nice to go to another game and how I am so ready to get into my car right now and start driving back up home. however the more I sat there the more realistic thoughts came into my head. I thought about what would occur when I do go back, I would feel sick from the air, I would have those conversations with my mother that would scare her and want her to fly up to Utah just because I am feeling pain for an hour. to top it off I did tell myself that if this is some chronic thing I would come back. I know that sounds ridiculous because I could take care of my issues with some medication but I know myself. I am not going to want to take anything and I will probably "forget" from time to time. like the other night. I forgot to take lactaid before having a shake and that was not the wise choice. In those moments I really don't want to think I want my mommy and only be able to call her. I think it would be easier if I could call her and she was only a 5 minute drive away. even though she isn't even here right now still that was and is the big pro of coming back to SD. the other one is the fact that if I come back to SD I won't have to do the dishes all the time which would be awesome. I really do hate doing dishes. Anyways thinking about I have a feeling that once I get my car back I will back up and go but that wouldn't be wise cause that would be tomorrow and even I am not that irresponsible enough to just bail before I get the medication that I have to take. I have also come to the conclusion that the smart thing to do is to listen to everyone else but I honestly just don't want to. I want to go back to South Jordan and go to boondocks for the day, or to lagoon, to be honest the first thing that pops into my head is going to synagogue. on friday I so want to go to services at Kol Ami. I miss it sooo much. Then I thought of the Alzheimer's walk coming up on the 17th and how I am so down for that and this 10k coming up as well. FYI totally ran in the rain today, it was the most amazingly orgasmic feeling ever. I don't know why I decided to do so but it was so worth it. Now going off to bed because I am just ready to pass out... again if you have any reason why I shouldn't listen to everyone I would much appreciate it Till Next Time Nicoly!

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